It would be the 13th!!!

Firstly I'm not a speed freak (well, not really!) I get them on prescription for a sleep disorder. And no, you can't have any!
I'm feeling very sorry for myself, as last night I fell over one of my cats. Her name is Jordan, she tends to lie around with her boobies exposed, all 8 of them! She was lying on the stairs in the dark, no doubt trying to murder me and spend the insurance money on Sheba and corn fed chicken. Ive been meaning to change the lighbulb in the landing for ages, that will teach me to put things off. She escaped unscathed, I have a cut on my hip and bruised arms and legs from falling over the side of the stairs (mental note, must think about having bannister installed).
She obviously had a bit of a conscience this morning as she jumped on my bad and started purring. Meanwhile I'm in agony and my cut is plastered in Germoline.
I'd already spent half the night trying to coax a shrew from under the fridge where Jordan's brother Angel (another mental note, re name him Devil or Nightstalker) had chased it. In the end I gave up, locked the cats in the house and out of the kitchen, and propped the back door open, praying there were no serial killers around. It worked and my kitchen is now a shrew free zone. I don't know where Angel finds them, he must have had over 50 and I've only managed to rescue about 9, 6 survived. There are so many tiny corpses in my garden I've re named it Shrewsbury. I've tried everything, including finding a film called 'Revenge of the Killer Shrews' on cable and making Angel sit with me and watch it! He promptly went out that night and made 2 kills. I'm thinking of replacing his bell with a police siren.
Just noticed the time and I'm going out later so need to make myself look slightly more human....